Damn, coming back here I realised I've poured my entire heart out in this place which is probably like ghost town right now HAHAHAH.

Well, I'm sorry Dimmy for coming back here whenever I'm emo nemo but well I just need to get it out.

A lot of crap's been roaming my head and I only got to do like 20min of shooting today so the crap's still been roaming in my head. Reading back, the same problems I've faced last year, I'm facing again.

I'm scared of getting too close to someone. I've recently became super close to someone in a 3 or 4 hour lepak session and now I realised, I'm scared. I'm partially retracting myself but I keep telling myself I can't do this. Its not fair to her. I'm just scared once I open up, they will leave with a part of me. I've been hurt before. A friend left and forgot about me. I tried catching up with her again but I guess I've just been forgotten, just like that.

It took me 6 years over before I finally called someone my best friend and from then I felt fine calling people my best friend. Not anymore. Now come to think of it, who do I really have? The people who call me their best friends, thank you, I really do appreciate it that I mean something to you and not to be a bastard or anything but I really wish I had one best friend I could go to for everything. When I'm upset, when I'm thinking too much, when I'm overjoyed. Someone told me, "A best friend is the first person you think of when you're in trouble, someone you call instinctively, when you just got good news" I went home to think of it, I have nobody. Everyone has their own friends that they are closer to, and not say I am a person to open up very quickly and I may not be the most fun or pleasant person sometimes..

Sometimes I really do wonder, I'm a pillar of strength for all those people I care about, I've got their backs. Even my family. But who's got my back, like for real? If one day, this pillar crumbles beyond her own control, who will catch her? Who will be the pillar behind this pillar?

I don't want to jinx anything. If I call someone my best friend, I turn to them all the time, what if i suffocate them and they end up leaving? What if they don't like me after I slowly reveal the different layers of vinita? I don't want to lose people, even if it means just being normal friends with them instead of getting so close and eventually getting hurt.

Actually now that I actually got that out and proper, I deduce I have trust issues.

And on top of that, I've been told I'm losing my anger management. Soemtimes I think it would be better if I had just remained the primary school vinita. The badass child who will always be game for a fight. Anything, just BRING IT ON.

The board definitely steadied me down a bit to become a good kid, and my exco, I love them no doubt. At one point, my leadership was my one and only source of confidence. I lost hope in everything else but now I don't even have that. I used to be dominant but I think my leadership style has changed.. I don't even know.. I'm lost.. HAHAHAH..

Which one is vinita? The badass or the guai kid? I don't think I fit the good kid image actually, truthfully HAHAHAH.

Well..

Life's a bitch sometimes but I'm a fighter. I will pull through. I will fight to the end, I promise.