I wish I could tell you.

I cant say this to your face but i'mma say it here.

Since I became friends with you, you made my life just that much harder.

I cared about you. I worried about you. I've wanted to give up on you countless times but I didn't.

I found out about your habits.. because you posted them on social media. I was appalled, repulsed, yet i said nevermind, I'll stay by you even though she found out and just left.

You give me one word replies.. like.. am i even worth your time to get a decent text? Half the time its like im having a one sided conversation with myself.. I wonder, is it than I'm a bother or a burden or is it that you're studying and I shouldn't disturb you. Is it that you're unhappy with me or angry? Is it that you dont wanna talk to me and that I should just go away? Is it that I'm too high when I talk to you? I'm generally whacky and energetic when i text. I wanted to give up again..

My friend told me no, when this fella eventually crashes, he's gonna need normal friends, not those bad influencing people, stick around. How long can the crazy party lifestyle last? Okay, i stuck around.

You made plans and everything, to go get drinks, to go study, you asked me out one night and I found a way around my curfew just so i could accompany you and what happens every single time? You blow me off, without telling me. I have to be the one to say "Hey where are you?" or "are you coming?" before you tell me your change in plans. You know how much i hate drunkards and stuff. You chose your drinks over me and you wanted me to go and see you when you were all high and stuff. You self invite to my studying plans and I actually dont mind, but you just last minute cancel on me. Is that fair to me? I don't think so. I asked myself, why am I hanging around only to get hurt? If I actually meant something to you, you wouldn't make plans that you had no intentions of fulfilling right? I wanted to abandon ship, I get a call saying "I think your friend is getting bullied in school.." I thought to myself, I can't walk out on someone if thats the case. If people are being mean, you're gonna need someone nice to hang around too. I stuck around trying to be a good friend.

From about 400 texts a day to going two weeks without a word. Making plans and backing out. And when we do talk, you give me one word replies again. I thought to myself, I'm done. And I get a text from your friend thinking we're "happening" telling me I made an impact in your life and I changed you. Truthfully, I don't think so. Smoking, drinking, crazy reckless acts, acting cool and all. But I said nevermind, maybe eventually he will change for the better, I figured I can pull through and make a difference in your life. I was upset one night and I just said "I just gotta get used to the fact that everyone leaves eventually." and you told me "I'm nt leaving:)" You're not leaving but idk.. Its confusing and nyehhhhhhh..

I planned a birthday gathering for you. I know how we always say me and my friend did it but right now i'm telling you, its my idea, your present, my initiation (even though i know you don't like it but you should play with it one day, its fun).

All i want to do it grab you, explain to you how I feel about this friendship and just ask you, So do I mean anything at all to you? Or am I just another passing friend? You know what? I'm sorry I cared so damn much about you, every single time you got in trouble for smoking, i worried. You go out drinking at night near my house, I worry. I care about your health, how you're smoking and drinking are going to destroy your lungs and liver. I'm sorry i was worried when you told me you missed your DPA submission because you were lepaking with your tuition friend. I'm sorry I worry about where you're gonna go after secondary school and if you can even get your aerospace course. I'm sorry I worry about your die hard desire to club and everything that I worry if you'll get arrested and shit. This is why I am scared of these kind of people. I get attached to them and if anything ever happens to you because of your smoking and stuff and touchwood if it really affects you and you die, you'll be free of any pain but I will continue to remember, bad things happened to him and I couldnt even persuade him to stop. You may not feel anything but I do. I'm sorry for my concern bothering you. I'm sorry i thought I could make an impact on you. Let me ask you right now. Would you like me to stay in your life or would you prefer me to just walk right on out. Saves you the nagging you will have to listen to from me, saves you having to put in time and effort into having a conversation with me. Saves me the heartbreak of wondering if I even have any significance in your life. 

 You confuse me quite thoroughly. Good job. Once in a blue moon, you are really a nice sweet fella. And i truly believe you're a nice guy under the whole tough guy cover. Thats the only reason I'm sticking around. Somewhere under there, is a nice guy who is worthy of a friendship, but why is it that I can't get to the nice guy? I want to just say please, dont try to grow up so fast, the crazy life, it can wait but your childhood cant. Enjoy whats left of it. Enjoy the innocence, the crazy little things in life. When you're older you can go ahead and have your late nights and everything. I sound like a controlling bitch right now and I have no rights whatsoever to say all this and feel this way but I'm sorry. This is the way I am. I care a lot for people who mean something to me. if it is a burden then I am sorry. Even though you said you weren't going to leave, you can. Just make it quick. I don't want to hurt. Even if you leave, I will still care about you. And I will indeed miss you and your fat fingers.

Yeah I'm highly frustrated but you have given me times to remember also, national day, EURO period where we could talk until like what, 5am? Teaching me soccer, letting me vent to you, you helping me to arrange for a job, future muay thai classes.. I'm thankful for all of those moments. I just hope one day you will open up to me like how I slowly did open up to you. I won't betray your trust you know. I will be as good a friend as I can be.

Despite all that, I will still treasure you as a friend but just please, don't make life hard for me?

There's a lot of shit going on already and I've already scaled down the number of people I will hold dear to me because then it would be easier to maintain friendships and shower my friends with love and affection and give them my full attention. I guess you probably regret making friends with this pyschopath but I just hope all the best for you. To eventually give up all the smoking and drinking so often and to become a successful pilot but dude, its gonna take a lot of your own willpower and determination and hard work. I hope you realise that. It would be easier for you to find a girl in the future if you quit smoking and everything too you know haahhahaah.

People tell me to give up but and sometimes I consider it but all in all, I don't believe I should give up on anyone. Everyone deserves that support and friendship of someone. There's good in everyone. Yes you may hurt me unintentionally or intentionally (I wouldn't know but I hope its unintentionally), but I won't give up on anyone. People tell me just don't reply to all the one words but I always cave in and reply and put in the effort. Everyone is worth the effort and time.

Well that helped me blow off some steam. Alright. Goodbye. All the best to me and surviving with that friend of mine. Vinita, don't set yourself up for disappointments. Remember, no expectations, no disappointments.