My bunni :)

This isn't one of my regular emo nemo posts hehehe!
I want to thank the universe for giving me this wonderful girl in the photo up there.
Friends since we were 7, 10 years and this friendship is still going strong :)

Our friendship has been through rough times and happy times, we drifted for a couple of years and I apologise for letting it happen hun, I really do. I was just kind of scared and I didn't know how to support you at that point of time but I do know how to now. I promise I won't let it happen again.

She's been there for me at my lowest, she's been there for me when I'm ecstatic, overjoyed. When I thought I was never good enough, a simple "I'm really proud of you :')" from her brought me close to tears. She is a wonderful chirpy ball of joy in my life, gives the best advice, is super adorable when she goes high and wow, this girl is just amazing :)

I look up to you hun, i really do. You've been through so much and still have a smile on your face. Whenever anyone looks at a smiling Alf, the person can't help but smile too :)
All your life's experiences made you who you are, a very matured sweetheart.

I'm sorry I may not have the right things to say quite a lot of the time but a hug goes beyond any words that can be said. If you ever need me, my arms will always be open to give you a giant squishy hug with all of my love~

Instead of studying at macs, half the time will be taken up catching up on the years I missed out and just holding onto your hands, listening to you and talking to you can make my day~

I could go on and on and on! But I think you know whatever I want to say and you can feel my love jumping out of your screen and engulfing you heh :)

I don't ever want to lose you. I love you and thank you for everything :)

I wish I could tell you.

I cant say this to your face but i'mma say it here.

Since I became friends with you, you made my life just that much harder.

I cared about you. I worried about you. I've wanted to give up on you countless times but I didn't.

I found out about your habits.. because you posted them on social media. I was appalled, repulsed, yet i said nevermind, I'll stay by you even though she found out and just left.

You give me one word replies.. like.. am i even worth your time to get a decent text? Half the time its like im having a one sided conversation with myself.. I wonder, is it than I'm a bother or a burden or is it that you're studying and I shouldn't disturb you. Is it that you're unhappy with me or angry? Is it that you dont wanna talk to me and that I should just go away? Is it that I'm too high when I talk to you? I'm generally whacky and energetic when i text. I wanted to give up again..

My friend told me no, when this fella eventually crashes, he's gonna need normal friends, not those bad influencing people, stick around. How long can the crazy party lifestyle last? Okay, i stuck around.

You made plans and everything, to go get drinks, to go study, you asked me out one night and I found a way around my curfew just so i could accompany you and what happens every single time? You blow me off, without telling me. I have to be the one to say "Hey where are you?" or "are you coming?" before you tell me your change in plans. You know how much i hate drunkards and stuff. You chose your drinks over me and you wanted me to go and see you when you were all high and stuff. You self invite to my studying plans and I actually dont mind, but you just last minute cancel on me. Is that fair to me? I don't think so. I asked myself, why am I hanging around only to get hurt? If I actually meant something to you, you wouldn't make plans that you had no intentions of fulfilling right? I wanted to abandon ship, I get a call saying "I think your friend is getting bullied in school.." I thought to myself, I can't walk out on someone if thats the case. If people are being mean, you're gonna need someone nice to hang around too. I stuck around trying to be a good friend.

From about 400 texts a day to going two weeks without a word. Making plans and backing out. And when we do talk, you give me one word replies again. I thought to myself, I'm done. And I get a text from your friend thinking we're "happening" telling me I made an impact in your life and I changed you. Truthfully, I don't think so. Smoking, drinking, crazy reckless acts, acting cool and all. But I said nevermind, maybe eventually he will change for the better, I figured I can pull through and make a difference in your life. I was upset one night and I just said "I just gotta get used to the fact that everyone leaves eventually." and you told me "I'm nt leaving:)" You're not leaving but idk.. Its confusing and nyehhhhhhh..

I planned a birthday gathering for you. I know how we always say me and my friend did it but right now i'm telling you, its my idea, your present, my initiation (even though i know you don't like it but you should play with it one day, its fun).

All i want to do it grab you, explain to you how I feel about this friendship and just ask you, So do I mean anything at all to you? Or am I just another passing friend? You know what? I'm sorry I cared so damn much about you, every single time you got in trouble for smoking, i worried. You go out drinking at night near my house, I worry. I care about your health, how you're smoking and drinking are going to destroy your lungs and liver. I'm sorry i was worried when you told me you missed your DPA submission because you were lepaking with your tuition friend. I'm sorry I worry about where you're gonna go after secondary school and if you can even get your aerospace course. I'm sorry I worry about your die hard desire to club and everything that I worry if you'll get arrested and shit. This is why I am scared of these kind of people. I get attached to them and if anything ever happens to you because of your smoking and stuff and touchwood if it really affects you and you die, you'll be free of any pain but I will continue to remember, bad things happened to him and I couldnt even persuade him to stop. You may not feel anything but I do. I'm sorry for my concern bothering you. I'm sorry i thought I could make an impact on you. Let me ask you right now. Would you like me to stay in your life or would you prefer me to just walk right on out. Saves you the nagging you will have to listen to from me, saves you having to put in time and effort into having a conversation with me. Saves me the heartbreak of wondering if I even have any significance in your life. 

 You confuse me quite thoroughly. Good job. Once in a blue moon, you are really a nice sweet fella. And i truly believe you're a nice guy under the whole tough guy cover. Thats the only reason I'm sticking around. Somewhere under there, is a nice guy who is worthy of a friendship, but why is it that I can't get to the nice guy? I want to just say please, dont try to grow up so fast, the crazy life, it can wait but your childhood cant. Enjoy whats left of it. Enjoy the innocence, the crazy little things in life. When you're older you can go ahead and have your late nights and everything. I sound like a controlling bitch right now and I have no rights whatsoever to say all this and feel this way but I'm sorry. This is the way I am. I care a lot for people who mean something to me. if it is a burden then I am sorry. Even though you said you weren't going to leave, you can. Just make it quick. I don't want to hurt. Even if you leave, I will still care about you. And I will indeed miss you and your fat fingers.

Yeah I'm highly frustrated but you have given me times to remember also, national day, EURO period where we could talk until like what, 5am? Teaching me soccer, letting me vent to you, you helping me to arrange for a job, future muay thai classes.. I'm thankful for all of those moments. I just hope one day you will open up to me like how I slowly did open up to you. I won't betray your trust you know. I will be as good a friend as I can be.

Despite all that, I will still treasure you as a friend but just please, don't make life hard for me?

There's a lot of shit going on already and I've already scaled down the number of people I will hold dear to me because then it would be easier to maintain friendships and shower my friends with love and affection and give them my full attention. I guess you probably regret making friends with this pyschopath but I just hope all the best for you. To eventually give up all the smoking and drinking so often and to become a successful pilot but dude, its gonna take a lot of your own willpower and determination and hard work. I hope you realise that. It would be easier for you to find a girl in the future if you quit smoking and everything too you know haahhahaah.

People tell me to give up but and sometimes I consider it but all in all, I don't believe I should give up on anyone. Everyone deserves that support and friendship of someone. There's good in everyone. Yes you may hurt me unintentionally or intentionally (I wouldn't know but I hope its unintentionally), but I won't give up on anyone. People tell me just don't reply to all the one words but I always cave in and reply and put in the effort. Everyone is worth the effort and time.

Well that helped me blow off some steam. Alright. Goodbye. All the best to me and surviving with that friend of mine. Vinita, don't set yourself up for disappointments. Remember, no expectations, no disappointments.

Damn, coming back here I realised I've poured my entire heart out in this place which is probably like ghost town right now HAHAHAH.

Well, I'm sorry Dimmy for coming back here whenever I'm emo nemo but well I just need to get it out.

A lot of crap's been roaming my head and I only got to do like 20min of shooting today so the crap's still been roaming in my head. Reading back, the same problems I've faced last year, I'm facing again.

I'm scared of getting too close to someone. I've recently became super close to someone in a 3 or 4 hour lepak session and now I realised, I'm scared. I'm partially retracting myself but I keep telling myself I can't do this. Its not fair to her. I'm just scared once I open up, they will leave with a part of me. I've been hurt before. A friend left and forgot about me. I tried catching up with her again but I guess I've just been forgotten, just like that.

It took me 6 years over before I finally called someone my best friend and from then I felt fine calling people my best friend. Not anymore. Now come to think of it, who do I really have? The people who call me their best friends, thank you, I really do appreciate it that I mean something to you and not to be a bastard or anything but I really wish I had one best friend I could go to for everything. When I'm upset, when I'm thinking too much, when I'm overjoyed. Someone told me, "A best friend is the first person you think of when you're in trouble, someone you call instinctively, when you just got good news" I went home to think of it, I have nobody. Everyone has their own friends that they are closer to, and not say I am a person to open up very quickly and I may not be the most fun or pleasant person sometimes..

Sometimes I really do wonder, I'm a pillar of strength for all those people I care about, I've got their backs. Even my family. But who's got my back, like for real? If one day, this pillar crumbles beyond her own control, who will catch her? Who will be the pillar behind this pillar?

I don't want to jinx anything. If I call someone my best friend, I turn to them all the time, what if i suffocate them and they end up leaving? What if they don't like me after I slowly reveal the different layers of vinita? I don't want to lose people, even if it means just being normal friends with them instead of getting so close and eventually getting hurt.

Actually now that I actually got that out and proper, I deduce I have trust issues.

And on top of that, I've been told I'm losing my anger management. Soemtimes I think it would be better if I had just remained the primary school vinita. The badass child who will always be game for a fight. Anything, just BRING IT ON.

The board definitely steadied me down a bit to become a good kid, and my exco, I love them no doubt. At one point, my leadership was my one and only source of confidence. I lost hope in everything else but now I don't even have that. I used to be dominant but I think my leadership style has changed.. I don't even know.. I'm lost.. HAHAHAH..

Which one is vinita? The badass or the guai kid? I don't think I fit the good kid image actually, truthfully HAHAHAH.

Well..

Life's a bitch sometimes but I'm a fighter. I will pull through. I will fight to the end, I promise.

I always feel so jealous of my friends especially the good looking ones who get all the attention /:

I just can't help it and I dont want to feel that way.

Sigh, I can't help it but I'm a tomboy.

BAD FEELINGS, GO AWAY.

Prefect's installation is just over :)

I'm a full fledged exco member now! Head of Analogics!

I feel really proud of where I've landed myself.

I know my leadership skills may have their flaws here and there but I've grown as a leader :)

Leading the Netball team in sec 1, to leading a class as a monitor in sec 2, joining the prefectorial board in sec 3 and the sec 1s for their orientation camp and eventually making it to the exco to hopefully lead the school in the best way possible :)

It has been a fruitful journey thus far :)

This year's exco is really a great combination but we are still on the way of getting to know each other's working styles and gelling together.

Just one thing that really gets to me.

Do some people really look down on me?

Just because I'm small doesn't mean I can get pushed around. My size does not determine my leadership capabilities so I hope you won't get this abnormal impression that it does.

I may play around sometimes but when it comes to work, I mean serious business. Don't look down on me unless I have seriously wronged you.

Thanks.

Another concern is..

My CCA.

I would put the prefectorial board first but I don't want it to look like I purposely would skip CCA and jeopardize my CCA records. I will show up for trainings and everything as per normal but I think I lost confidence in myself as a netballer. But I'll do my best to persevere on :)

I'm fragile too y'know.

I feel really confused again. I dont know who's still here for me and who's gone.

People I really did regard as my best friends don't talk to me anymore and there's this awkward aura when I'm with them. Or maybe its just me being paranoid?

I know I'm bad at mantaining relationships with people but give me a hand here.

I'm scared of getting too close to people because I've seen one scenario being played over and over too many times. The people that I was once upon a time the closest to become the people who drift the furthest away from me.

I'll survive. I hope.

I know you may feel stressed and I know right now there's something bugging you but just reminding you, I'm here for you :D

POWERPUFF GIRLS FTW BABY~

If you feel down and around, know that D and I are here for you :) <3

I think the picture is the first time i ever went to your place *winkwink*

Turn that frown upside down k :)

XOXO.